Carol Moss: Spirited Away

There’s a wonderful song written by composer David Friedman called, “We Can Be Kind”. In it, the song lists all the troubles we currently face and asks what can we do when we don’t know what to do?  His answer is that we can be kind and that we can take care of each other. Kindness goes a long way. Today, as I left after visiting my older sister in the hospital, weighted down by my own thoughts, I noticed a woman I’d seen earlier in the hallway. She had been talking to a man I assumed was her grown son. As she got on the elevator our eyes met and she emitted a long sigh. I asked if she was OK and she replied that her husband had just been put into hospice, her sister had suffered a heart attack while on vacation in Phoenix and her son, who she had just been visiting, was going to be living with her upon his release from the hospital. Suddenly, my troubles seemed much lighter and I gave her a hug. There wasn’t much else to do or say, but a small piece of kindness helped us both.

With the holidays and family gatherings and stress upon us, I find it altogether too easy to retreat to a very old rut called judgment. Whether it’s judging myself — “I’m too old,” “I should be in better shape,” “My house is a mess, “– or others — “They’re crazy,” “Why don’t they just….(fill in the blank),” “It’s their own fault they’re ….(fill in the blank),” it gets pretty noisy in my head. It’s as if passing judgment makes me better or immune to the pain I see all around me. My 12-step work reminds me that while some judgment, as in discernment, is necessary in ones life, sitting in judgment of ones self or others is a pretty lonely existence and a subtle but powerful act of violence. One of the entries in “The Courage to Change”, a daily devotional, says, “I used to live my life as if I were on a ladder. Everyone was either above me, to be feared and envied, or below me, to be pitied. God was way, way at the top, beyond my view. That was a hard, lonely way to live, because no two people can stand comfortably on the same rung for very long.” So, what’s the antidote to judgment?

Compassion.

According Spiritual Director’s International, “On November 12, author Karen Armstrong and a global group of collaborators, unveiled an international initiative to promote compassion. Armstrong is a TED [Technology, Education, Design] award winner with the following wish, ‘I wish that you would help with the creation, launch and propagation of a Charter for Compassion, crafted by a group of leading inspirational thinkers from the three Abrahamic traditions of Judaism, Christianity and Islam and based on the fundamental principles of universal justice and respect.’” This Utube video better explains what she’s up to. Charter for Compassion

How can you be committed to compassion?

What’s the difference between intuition and a nudge from God? Webster’s defines intuition as: “The ability to understand something immediately without the need for conscious reasoning.” It’s mysterious and forceful. It sounds and feels deeply spiritual to me, or is it just part of the way we’re wired? Why is intuition more freely attributed to women than to men? Anyone? Anyone?

“Help, I need somebody.

Help, not just anybody.

Help, you know I need someone.

Help!”

The Beatles

I love the spirituality of the Beatles song “Help!” I doubt Lennon and McCartney were thinking of God when they wrote “Help,” but you have to admit there’s a powerful message in those lyrics (and many other Beatles tunes as well.) Just consider the opening:

* “Help, I need somebody.” First of all, they’re admitting they even need help, which is HUGE! For many of us, admitting we are powerless over our problems, that our best thinking got us to where we currently are, and that it’s not working is a big honkin’ deal. What a terrific relief to be able to say “Help,” or to cry, “Uncle!” They’re saying they can’t do “it” alone. Webster’s Dictionary defines help as, “coming to ones aid.” They need somebody: a person, another human being to come to their aid.

* “Help, not just anybody.” Second of all, they ask for help again and not from just any old Joe who’s walking down the street. It can’t just be just anybody. It has to be someone in particular, someone or something who can actually help.

* “Help, you know I need someone.”  Third of all, they say “Help” again! Yikes. Things are pretty intense to be repeating the word again followed by a repetition of the need for a person or something other than themselves to supply aid.

* “Help.” Another cry. OK, this is really serious!

The lyrics go on to talk about when they were younger and didn’t need help and now that they’re older, they do. There’s something about aging that makes us both more vulnerable and oftentimes, less likely to ask for help. Is it stubbornness or vanity or shame or what?  I thought of this song today as I was trying to figure out some finances that just aren’t working and realized that the tune has been rattling around in my head for pretty much my whole life. I have a bad habit of trying to do everything myself (fewer people to blame, right?) and can get pretty far down the road before remembering that there are other people out there who would be happy to not only help but are quite possibly better at doing what it is I’m stuck on. So, I’m reminded that the song is an invitation to get out of my own way, out of my head and into my heart and when needed, just ask for some help…divine and human.

Which is easier for you - to receive or ask for help?

One of my favorite songs, ever, is “Grateful” by John Bucchino. If you want to have a spiritual experience, just listen. He captures the struggle and joy of boiling life down to its basics in order to hit the “reset” button. It’s no secret that the quickest way to turn your day around, especially if it’s one of those really lousy, no good, terrible, horrible days, is to find something to be grateful for. Even if it’s just your heartbeat. Especially if it’s just your heartbeat. Try it. You may just find yourself feeling grateful.

In the August 2009 issue of YOGA JOURNAL, there is an article entitled “No Worries.” At first I thought it was yet another missive telling me, basically, “Don’t Worry, Be Happy,” (which, by the way, was a mantra first uttered not by Bobby McFerrin, but by Indian mystic, Meher Baba). This business of worry/fear is a subject that has fascinated me for years. In my therapy and coaching practice, the majority of people I treat find that the biggest obstacle they face is fear. It’s one thing for someone to tell you not to worry — and sometimes it’s a relief to know that not worrying is even an option. But past that, there’s always the question of “How”? How does one stop fear? How does one move through fear? If one pushes it away, or ignores it, it comes back.

In 12-step lingo, there are some terrific acronyms for Fear: “Forgetting Everything’s All Right”, “False Evidence Appearing Real” or “Face Everything and Recover”. The final acronym, “Face Everything and Recover” is closest to the advice offered by YOGA JOURNAL. This model is also consistent with spiritual direction, inner child and parts work, which have been around for a long time. And here’s the thing: it really works. So, here’s what author Paige Wyatt had to say: “Find a place to sit for half an hour. Sitting in nature makes this practice more effective because you can release your emotions back to the earth. Imagine that you are speaking to your inner child. The part of us that is afraid is often the child within us. Ask yourself what you are afraid of. Then ask what you can do to support yourself through your fear. Many times we ignore the part of us that feels afraid, because we don’t want to listen. But taking care of the part of you that is afraid is an important part of resolving your fear. If you think of your fears as a scared child, you may feel more compassionate and patient, and find it easier to be present with your fears. Once you are in touch with your fear, you can begin to release it. If it helps you, ask the earth to accept your fear, then release it to her.” This practice can also be done with a therapist or spiritual director which provides a loving and compassionate container for the fear to be experienced and released. What have you found that works for you???

Think there’s nothing spiritual about exercise??? Think again. Some of my best, most excellent, moments have been while I’m walking on the beach talking to myself and God. Or looking for sea glass. Or marveling at the cloud formations. While living in the midwest often leaves much to be desired, I feel so fortunate to live within walking distance of Lake Michigan. A walk on the lake is always a treat. You never know what you’re going to find, especially as the seasons change. Sometimes it’s ice caps with blow holes and other times it’s a challenge to locate sand. One time, when I really needed to see the lake, it was covered in snow all the way out to the horizon, so I missed my blue “fix.” But, now that things are warming up the blue is back along with all sorts of gifts. What’s your favorite exercise? What makes it spiritual for you?

Warren Buffet, the 78-year old billionaire, recently said that our economy has “fallen off a cliff”. His words really struck me. And yet, even with 50 trillion dollar losses, he believes the world economy will still revive, in time, accompanied by inflation. He outlined specific tasks for the government, the federal reserve, the banks and consumers. The only thing I can actually do, if I were to follow his advice, is stop using credit cards — the rest of this free fall has to be “fixed” by powers greater than the consumer. His advice is both heartening and maddening because it returns many of us to a place of distrust and victimhood.

I have clients coming to me with so many losses: cutbacks, job loss, divorce, and illnesses which manifest as emotional symptoms such as anxiety, depression, hopelessness, self-doubt, anger and so much sadness. I have others who are in a different place.  Spring break this year isn’t going to be a fancy trip down south and frankly, they’re a little relieved but also confused by their relief. While they aren’t happy to have lost so much, they’re somehow comforted, while anxious by the new set of economic boundaries. So, what can we do in that time between falling off the cliff and revival that could make us less fearful?

An unlikely source of inspiration was introduced to me recently in the form of the teachings of John of the Cross, a 16th century Spanish mystic who talked of the “dark night of the soul.” He explained that it was what happened when something gets taken away that you always thought would be there. He posited that this has to happen in order to grow and in the midst of “what do I do??” - you follow this through, abide with the feeling and know that you are being shown something you’ve never seen before.

I think we are being shown something we’ve never seen before. Older folks, like my mom, who weathered the depression have some experience with this dynamic, but really, the sheer numbers and drama involved is truly something we’ve never seen before.

A client of mine, who in the past year weathered a difficult divorce and now is dealing with financial stress recently sat across from me and tearfully explained that, “what worked before no longer works. It feels like such a loss and I do not yet know what will work. I have to let go of what I know, but I’m scared of what’s ahead.” We talked about this liminal space, the place between what was and what will be, and how scary and yet, universal it is. While she wanted answers from me to her problems, the best I could do was assure her that I was with her, that she was not alone in her journey and that the answers would come to her, perhaps not as quickly as she’d like, but they would come.   John invites us to get comfortable with the darkness, with the “nada”, and to consider that from there we may begin to see light. I don’t think he was suggesting that we roll over and play dead, but paradoxically, we can do something by doing nothing.

This dynamic applies to everything we experience right now, from job loss to illness to truculent kids to relationship hell. It speaks to changes on a very personal as well as a global level. But, is there a payoff to patience and getting comfortable with the dark? Yes, according to good old John. Weathering the “dark nights” has the following potential benefits:

* It leaves us freer, more available, more responsive, more grateful.

* It liberates us from attachments and compulsions.

* It inspires us to minimize suffering and injustice whenever possible, and at the same time sheds a hope-filled light on the pain that cannot be avoided.

Here are some questions to ponder as we negotiate this dark abyss together:

~ What coping strategies are helping you in your plunge into the abyss? Chocolate? Exercise?

~ Are there any opportunities here?

~ Are you breathing?

~ For what are you grateful?

In writing about spirituality, and my commitment to a year of living positively, I have some confusion. How does spirituality relate to positive thinking? I know it does, I’m just not clear. Recently, I attended a lecture by a Jesuit priest from Loyola University in which he defined spirituality as, “the lived experience of faith.” I see this as separate from religion, which can contain spirituality, but spirituality doesn’t necessarily contain religion. I think spirituality comes first. My first challenge to my commitment to positive thinking arrived at 2:00 a.m. this morning when my teenager arrived home, breaking curfew by an hour and a half. My initial responses were anger and fear and fear and anger. “How can I reframe this in a more positive way? ” I wondered. “OK, so she had a good time,” and “she’s home safely now,” I reminded myself. So, I sent her off to bed with her apology trailing in the air, saying we’d talk about it in the morning. I think I momentarily lost my faith because of my worry. So, does that mean faith disappears in the face of fear? Or is it an invitation to deepen ones faith? What do you think?

What can we do in these very troubling, unstable and fearful times? Each day that subject comes up either in conversation or in sessions with my clients. There seems to be a universal sense of panic and for some, helplessness, in the face of daunting financial drama. I believe there are a number of things we can do, right now, that will help us to stay centered and grounded as the world, or what we thought we knew of it, shifts. For starters, we can breathe. Do it right now. Historically, when we’re stressed we stop breathing or breathe in a short and shallow way. This is a habit many of us developed as children where we would involutarily hold our breath in response to fear or stress. What happens when we do this? First of all, we deprive our brain of oxygen so that we may not utilize all of our brain cells. Second, we cut ourselves off from our voice so that whatever comes out is strained and stressed and we lose our power to effectively communicate. Third, by not breathing deeply, or holding our breath, we disconnect from our very self, our essence, our being and become more likely to react to our situation from an ego or fearful state, unwittingly perpetuating the very atmosphere we’re trying to protect ourselves from.

There’s another thing we can do, after we’ve begun to breathe again and it’s this: we can be kind. David Friedman wrote a wonderful song in the 90’s with that title. The lyrics say, “So many things we can’t control, so many hurts that happen every day. So many heartaches that pierce the soul, so much pain that won’t ever go away. How do we make it better? How do we make it through? What can we do when there’s nothing we can do? We can be kind. We can take care of each other. We can remember that deep down inside we all need the same thing. And maybe we’ll find if we are there for each other, that together we’ll weather whatever tomorrow may bring.” Just one act of kindness, especially if you’re feeling like you’d like to rip someone’s face off, might be all you need to turn your day around. And I think that act of kindness has to begin with ourselves.